11/18/05
Dear Ted:
Love the column, wish it were longer. Just read your last blind item on Toothy Tile and want to know if he's Zach Braff?
A.A.
Dear A2:
Good one. But nope, the Z-man's truly just for the chicks. I mean, have you seen his flabby abs? Think more bod-perf.
11/21
Dear Ted:
I see from your Two To-the-Limit Blind Vices that Toothy Tile was spotted smooching some guy right before promoting his latest flick. Well, I just checked the movies that have been released lately. Obviously, Toothy must be 50 Cent, 'cause his new movie Get Rich or Die Tryin' just came out. Mr. Cent has some 'splainin' to do!
Jason
Dear Det. Slang:
Perhaps. But not regarding my Blind Vice that has Toothy tonguin' the b-f right before a talk-show appearance. Nice try. Wrong genre, really. In several ways. Think more out there, as it were.
1/6/06
Dear Ted:
Hey, Queeny, I'm a non-military American living in Germany, and I love you, baby. I think Toothy Tile is Ashton Kutcher and his lover is his former costar who dated Lindsay Lohan and every other rising starlet, Wilmer Valderrama. Am I right?
Laronda W.
Dear Nine:
Hardly, but you sure are entertaining. Think more boy-man, less girl-man.
2/24
Dear Ted:
What has happened to Toothy Tile? He was just so about to get out of the closet, having sex in public places, and then...nothing. Is he working his cute ass off?
Alejandro González Córdoba
Argentina
Dear South of the Borderline:
Yep, and--as I expected--T2 has given in to his adviser's latest pleas to stay undercover. However, I wouldn't write off this one entirely. Give Tooth another year of fake butt hounding, and I think you will see a little breakthrough--or breakdown.
Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile's boyfriend Matt Dillon?
Megan
Pennsylvania
Dear T2 Type:
Nope, not that famous. Yet.
3/17
Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has got to be Jesse Metcalfe. I bet your intern, Cristina Gibson, and your associate, Caroline Kepnes, would agree with me.
Susan Wagner
Cincinnati
Dear Gay Guesser:
Yeah, they'd be my ex intern and associate, respectively, if they did, 'cause the Toothster ain't Jesse. Kinda close, but not really, if you catch my celebrated drift.
4/7
Dear Ted:
Thanks for the lowdown on Chris Klein's brokeback. Any chance he's Toothy Tile?
Dean
Dear Security Guard Type:
Yeah, ya won't see butt reports (male and female alike) in Tab Fab, that's fer sure. C.K. ain't Toothy, though I must say that's a fairly close guess. Think, uh, well, just think more, and you'll see the brainy light.
4/14
Dear Ted:
This Ted-head was wondering, if closeted actors have dalliances, aren't they afraid someone will blab to the press? Please, who is Toothy Tile? He is the only one I care about. I think it is Zach Braff.
Judi
Dear Dirt Devil:
Horny men do stupidola things. Explains a lot. Regarding Zach, no, honey. Toothy's actually hot, see.
6/23
Dear Ted:
Just read your column with the juicy bits from J. Bisset. With her assertion that nothing was happening on the set, and then your sly comment about the timing of the Brangelina immaculate conception...call me wacky, but could Toothy Tile be Brad Pitt?
J.G.
Columbus, Ohio
Dear Mistaken:
Sorry, sweetie, but T2 ain't B Pitt. Think younger and less (officially) attached.
7/18
Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Lance Bass, isn't it? Woo-hoo! I can finally stop obsessing!
Laurene P.
Rockledge, Florida
Dear Ef-Hell-Ay Off:
Nope, ain't L.B. Whatever makes you think so, my love? Think far better highlights.
8/1
Dear Ted:
Finally, our gossip prayers are answered! Toothy Tile has come out of the closet! I should have guessed that Toothy was Lance Bass--I mean, he was in a boy band. Now, if I could only figure out who Slurpa Pop-Off is. I think it is Lindsay--please tell me that I am right.
Amanda B.S.
Los Angeles
Dear Out of Sync:
Lance ain't Toothy, dear. Think far sexier and talented. Slurpa ain't L.L., either. But in this case, think, uh, less gifted. By far.
8/8
Dear Ted:
Now that Lance Bass has outed himself as Toothy Tile, who will you harass next into outing themselves?
M. Popova
Luxembourg
Dear Deluded:
You need to reread the columns. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Lance Bass ain't Toothy. He wishes! Be still my closeted heart!
Dear Ted:
I like to read your column. You show little blips of your good heart in all the right places but not too much. Albeit without the moniker, I've wondered for years...is Toothy Tile Aaron Eckhart?
Melinda
Little Rock
Dear Cruel to Be Kind:
Nice try. Like a good bum-licking was gonna ferret out a Blind Vice answer from moi. Not even close, but thanks just the same!
Dear Ted:
I finally figured it out. Toothy Tile is Ricky Martin. But you won't tell me if I'm right, will you?
Linda Chesney
Yardley, Pennsylvania
Dear Bonbon Brain:
Uh, that would be oui, with a cherry on top. Not R.M.
8/26
Dear Ted:
You are never going to read my emails (all 55 of them), but I have a guess as to the mutual love of D. Spade and H. Locklear, besides the L'Oréal Preference for "blondes." I think it is Botox. Oh, and is Toothy Tile Kiefer Sutherland?
Rita Abney
St. Louis
Dear Mass Mailer:
D.S. 'n' H.L.'s fave pastime definitely redoes somethin', but it ain't their faces, doll. And T2 is far purtier than Mr. S., no offense.
10/10
Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has got to be Jeremy Piven. Right?
Jane Sanders
San Antonio
Dear Deluded:
Uh, wrong, sweetums. Think taller, sexier, younger.