Blind Item Collective

Toothy Needs to Watch His Back

TTed Casablancas at E! Online: ime for an update on the world’s not exactly best-kept secret, the actual identity of Toothy Tile, the (now infamous) closeted homo actor who used to want us to know he liked diddling boys in parking lots and everywhere else imaginable. Our inbox is a curious, overflowing influx of both salivating and outraged disenchantment. Why are we delaying things, they scream in cantankerous unison, as if Toothy’s consulting us personally, like we’re the Columbia School of Homo-Outing Journalism or something.

We’ll leave that to other institutions of righteous indignation. We here at Awful still say it’s ultimately up to the celeb—not us—to say she or he leans closer to Rosie or T.R. (Isaiah, we are not.) Oh! Oh! Oh! Our fave reader stab—which are all over the friggin’ map these days—at T.T.’s real name? Joel McHale! Come to think of it, J.M. does linger in wardrobe when I’m trying on the latest Ben Sherman...though, it ain’t him.

But listen, Tooth, if you’re reading, and we know you are, just wanna give ya a little fairly heated heads-up: Heaps (albeit small heaps, we’ll admit) o’ your pals are contacting us. They’re complaining not only about this damn about-face on your self-proclaimed mission to take a strong stand at letting the world know how down you are to be queer, but they’re more personally peeved, too. Remember all those canceled dinners and parties and such, the ones where your “people” (who would sell their first adopted Chinese kid for a made-up, ass-kissing item in People) said, "Better not be seen with these fagola guys"?

Well, the guys are getting more than put out over your arguably ill-advised, sudden distancing. In fact, it’s prolly safe to say your old gang’s more worked up than a dog-lovin’ bitch after Ellen DeGeneres’ ass, and that’s no joke. Watch it.

Methinks: Jake Gyllenhaal

Toothy Tile Update

According to Ted Casablancas Toothy has been talking to the editors of Newsweek and Time about possibly coming out on both covers - simultaneously.

One Special Edition Blind Vice: New Toothy Tile Hints

From Ted Casablancas at E! Online: "Look, everybody, I was going to tell you all about a certain Morgan Mayhem family member who, just like Morgy, is getting hugely wasted more often than she burps overpriced champagne, but, like, whatever, ya know? No big ser-prize there.

So, instead, due to an overwhelming demand for all things closeted and Toothy Tile, we’re going to round up all recent clues provided for our limited-run special 20 Questions and give ya another fab clue! Ding ding ding! Hot fun for the same-sex tum, huh? Now, keep in mind, for those of you teething for Tooth, we’re not even friggin’ halfway through the 20 queries, but thus far, this is what we’ve previously let out, as it were:

Q:  Was he on Dancing with the Stars?
A:  No. T2 is a talented thesp who's way above reality TV, trust.

Q:  Are Toothy's initials in the first half of the alphabet, or the second? FYI: I'm asking about his real name, not pseudonym, so no tricks please.
A:  No.

Q:  Is Toothy known to be an animal lover?
A:  Uh, yes, but isn’t everybody (or at least pretending to be) in this hairy town?

Q:  What happened to Baby Tile? Did Toothy and B-F Tile have the kid, or did they give up on the idea of becoming dads? Are they still together and superdomesticated?
A:  Give the nonnuclear fam time, doll-babe.

Q:  Is Toothy Tile known to be athletic? 
A:  That, my dear, depends on your definition of athletic. He can hold his own, how about that?

Q:  Is Toothy Tile Isaiah Washington?
A:  Wrong bum-lovin’ boy. Think younger, cuter ‘n’ sans snarkiness.

And for all you unleashed types doggin’ for the good-lookin’ dude’s identity, here are two more newbie inquiries to get ya through the weekend. Now, keep the questions burnin’!

Q:  Has Toothy Tile ever been nominated for or won a major American award?
A:  For Best Kinky Performance in a Parking Lot? Why, yes! By the West Hollywood Sheriff’s voting academy, actually!

Q:  Why is Jennifer Aniston the only woman Vince Vaughn has been linked to in the tabloids? Is he Toothy Tile? 
A:  No. He’s not nearly agile enough. Certainly not for the back-seat seduction game."


Methinks: Duh, Morgan Mayhem and family member: Lindsay Lohan and Dina Lohan
Toothy Tile: Jake Gyllenhaal.

Toothy Tile Update

From Ted Casablancas at E! Online March 15 2007:

"... thought I'd also give you the latest on Toothy Tile. Hear he's not really planning on adopting a kiddo, as I previously broke a few weeks ago. Nope. I was—gasp!—wrong. 

Turns out T2, so blab our mutual amigos, plans on swirling up his love juice, right alongside his boyfriend's procreating protein, ya know, putting it in some kinda beaker or toaster, or something, and mixing it around with a donor's eggs, then putting the results into yet another donor to carry the resulting embryo.

The plan is, Boyfriend Tile will then, legally (and far, far away from pokin' press types like yours truly) be listed as papa—when, in fact, our beloved Tooth just may be the correct daddio.

Oh, the lengths scaredy-cat cats will go to in order to cover up their preferred meowing ways."

Methinks: Jake Gyllenhaal and Austin Nicholls

Toothy Tile gets Domestic

From E Online, Jan 2007-

"Congrats are in order! Guess what? I hear our fave hubba-hubba, humpy homo in T-town, Toothy Tile, is seriously considering making things super-
domesticated with his equally homosational b-f. And no, I don't mean the gorgeous closeted (albeit permanently, it seems) actor is getting a new puppy or Cuisinart.

Hear ol' T2 is thinking about helping his man-friend adopt something, uh, more...complex. As in a human (aren't we all?). Meaning, a baby! Too sweet!

I could just cry (since Ellen D. left me on the verge yesterday, ya know) with happiness!

Couldn't all you hard-asses at home weep with me, too?

Yeah, right—wouldn't hurt for you malcontents to soften up a bit, but whatever.

You all going for a boy or a girl, Mr. Tooth?

And if he or she turns out to be gay, like you, and if he or she wants to become a mucho-talented performer, also like you, Daddy Toothy, I declare, I do wonder what advice you'd offer the kiddo? Hmmm. What could it be?

Stay away from the Biz, altogether, I wonder?"

It's not: George Clooney, Clay Aiken, John Stamos

Methinks: Definitely Jake Gyllenhaal. Ted has done dozens of items about Toothy and it's widely accepted it's Jake. Everone in Hollywood knows he goes out with Austin Nichols, his former co-star. Toothy was rumoured to be about to come out as bi during press for Brokeback Mountain but decided against it. Things we know about Toothy: he's hot, he's young, he's a-listy, he likes public sex (as did Jake and Kirstin, as they've said in interviews), he's nice, he has played gay pr was going to play gay and use it to gently come out, but didn't. 

Toothy Tile Thanksgiving Edition

Is it the upcoming holiday season, or is our lovely assortment of trim-waisted (and closeted) H-town fruitcakes getting increasingly mistletoe-ready in public 'cause they're getting closer and closer to officially coming out? (As if anybody left in the free world doesn't friggin' know who these cavorting fagolas are.) First off, our fave, and top tumescent dawg, Toothy Tile:T2 was just caught at a fancy-ass New Yawk restaurant playing footsie with the b-f underneath the table. Right in front of Tooth's 'rents! And the busboys! Not to mention a few (thank gawd) Awful Truth readers,too fun. Tooth-doll, makes sense, as I hear you're getting thisclose to superdomesticating things with your most benevolently forgiving man. What, getting tired of the doin'-it-in-the-parking-lot scene, T-man? Regardless, congrats!

And it ain't: Leonard DiCaprio; Will Smith; Wilmer Vallerama.

One Fagulous Fagola Blind Vice

Oct 21 2006:

That Toothy Tile. He just lives to push the fagola envelope, love that about the young acting hunk! (And I know you do, too.) Now, quite frankly, T2's latest man-on-man moves far outshine his recent movie choices; though, that's an arguable statement at best-I just don't go fer this hetero image Mr. T. is busy trying to push over on his ever loyal, hapless, ticket-buying fans.  But we'll just leave that li'l bit o' politically incorrect poo-pooing and get straight, as it were, to the attempted wild sex in the back of the limousine, 'kay? Thought you might agree... Oh, gawd, I am getting old. I'm confusing all these closeted fruits into one big ass-banging aspic! So, sorry. It was Jiggly Wiggle-Poof who pounced-quite stupidly, I might add-on his so-not-gay limo driver while out promoting his supersuccessful
boob-tube show in some hick state. And let's just say what went down was not at all what Jiggly had in mind (something bruised, not blushing). Also, there's hope, I want you all to know, for Mr. Tile's
movie career. Dare I say some of his future film projects are looking up, because, uh, how can I put this? T.T. has decided to start sleeping with better-looking people now to get his future projects-is that being too crass about it all? In other words, for T.T.'s next 40-foot-wide job, Tooth-doll not only seduced the man who would decide the whole-deal shebang (it's sort of a studly adventure story, in so
many ways), he now shares cocaine, hotel suites and party favors with the bigwig. Isn't that sweet when one can stay bestest amigos with one's ladder-climbing bed partners? Warms my jaded-ass heart.

And It Ain't:  Isaiah Washington; Danny Bonaduce; Josh Duhamel

Solving Toothy Clues

Solved Clues:

1. TT's dimples and bright smile = When Ted mentions Jake by name in other parts of his column, he includes a reference to Jake's pearly whites or dimples.
2. Marble table = Basix Café has them and where Jake was mentioned being at in Ted's column a week before the TT Saga began.
3. Superpopular, superannoyingly perfect famous girlfriend with dimples = Kirsten Dunst
4. Gusty speed racer = Jake was taught to drive by Paul Newman on a racetrack.
5. Rocketing & Rocket to Pluto = October Sky
6. "Right smack between Mr. Bloom and Mr. Wood" = The letter J is exactly spaced in between letter E and O. Also, Orlando is older and Elijah is younger than Jake, another middle reference.
7. Up-and-comer in the movie-idol biz = Day After Tomorrow, Jarhead, Brokeback Mountain.
8. Tobey M = dated Kirsten before she started dating Jake. Jake almost replaced Tobey for Spiderman 2.
9. James Franco = worked with Kirsten Dunst and Tobey, who looks similar to Jake, in Spiderman 1 & 2.
10. Jared Leto = worked with him in Highway.
11. Loves his ex-gf = Still seen around with Kirsten, even though they're not official anymore.
12. Adam Brody = close in age
13. Ashton Kutcher = older than Jake
14. Hayden worked with Jake on a the play This Is Our Youth a few years ago.
15. Geographic location = Jake was born and raised in L.A. The O.C. is directly below L.A.
16. The "fake butt hounding" line sounds like a direct lead to Brokeback Mountain

Toothy Tile Is Not Brad Pitt and Other Eliminations

11/18/05

Dear Ted:
Love the column, wish it were longer. Just read your last blind item on Toothy Tile and want to know if he's Zach Braff?
A.A.

Dear A2:
Good one. But nope, the Z-man's truly just for the chicks. I mean, have you seen his flabby abs? Think more bod-perf.

11/21

Dear Ted:
I see from your Two To-the-Limit Blind Vices that Toothy Tile was spotted smooching some guy right before promoting his latest flick. Well, I just checked the movies that have been released lately. Obviously, Toothy must be 50 Cent, 'cause his new movie Get Rich or Die Tryin' just came out. Mr. Cent has some 'splainin' to do!
Jason

Dear Det. Slang:
Perhaps. But not regarding my Blind Vice that has Toothy tonguin' the b-f right before a talk-show appearance. Nice try. Wrong genre, really. In several ways. Think more out there, as it were.

1/6/06

Dear Ted:
Hey, Queeny, I'm a non-military American living in Germany, and I love you, baby. I think Toothy Tile is Ashton Kutcher and his lover is his former costar who dated Lindsay Lohan and every other rising starlet, Wilmer Valderrama. Am I right?
Laronda W.

Dear Nine:
Hardly, but you sure are entertaining. Think more boy-man, less girl-man.

2/24

Dear Ted:
What has happened to Toothy Tile? He was just so about to get out of the closet, having sex in public places, and then...nothing. Is he working his cute ass off?
Alejandro González Córdoba
Argentina

Dear South of the Borderline:
Yep, and--as I expected--T2 has given in to his adviser's latest pleas to stay undercover. However, I wouldn't write off this one entirely. Give Tooth another year of fake butt hounding, and I think you will see a little breakthrough--or breakdown.

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile's boyfriend Matt Dillon?
Megan
Pennsylvania

Dear T2 Type:
Nope, not that famous. Yet.

3/17

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has got to be Jesse Metcalfe. I bet your intern, Cristina Gibson, and your associate, Caroline Kepnes, would agree with me.
Susan Wagner
Cincinnati

Dear Gay Guesser:
Yeah, they'd be my ex intern and associate, respectively, if they did, 'cause the Toothster ain't Jesse. Kinda close, but not really, if you catch my celebrated drift.

4/7

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the lowdown on Chris Klein's brokeback. Any chance he's Toothy Tile?
Dean

Dear Security Guard Type:
Yeah, ya won't see butt reports (male and female alike) in Tab Fab, that's fer sure. C.K. ain't Toothy, though I must say that's a fairly close guess. Think, uh, well, just think more, and you'll see the brainy light.

4/14

Dear Ted:
This Ted-head was wondering, if closeted actors have dalliances, aren't they afraid someone will blab to the press? Please, who is Toothy Tile? He is the only one I care about. I think it is Zach Braff.
Judi

Dear Dirt Devil:
Horny men do stupidola things. Explains a lot. Regarding Zach, no, honey. Toothy's actually hot, see.

6/23

Dear Ted:
Just read your column with the juicy bits from J. Bisset. With her assertion that nothing was happening on the set, and then your sly comment about the timing of the Brangelina immaculate conception...call me wacky, but could Toothy Tile be Brad Pitt?
J.G.
Columbus, Ohio

Dear Mistaken:
Sorry, sweetie, but T2 ain't B Pitt. Think younger and less (officially) attached.

7/18

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Lance Bass, isn't it? Woo-hoo! I can finally stop obsessing!
Laurene P.
Rockledge, Florida

Dear Ef-Hell-Ay Off:
Nope, ain't L.B. Whatever makes you think so, my love? Think far better highlights.

8/1

Dear Ted:
Finally, our gossip prayers are answered! Toothy Tile has come out of the closet! I should have guessed that Toothy was Lance Bass--I mean, he was in a boy band. Now, if I could only figure out who Slurpa Pop-Off is. I think it is Lindsay--please tell me that I am right.
Amanda B.S.
Los Angeles

Dear Out of Sync:
Lance ain't Toothy, dear. Think far sexier and talented. Slurpa ain't L.L., either. But in this case, think, uh, less gifted. By far.

8/8

Dear Ted:
Now that Lance Bass has outed himself as Toothy Tile, who will you harass next into outing themselves?
M. Popova
Luxembourg

Dear Deluded:
You need to reread the columns. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Lance Bass ain't Toothy. He wishes! Be still my closeted heart!

Dear Ted:
I like to read your column. You show little blips of your good heart in all the right places but not too much. Albeit without the moniker, I've wondered for years...is Toothy Tile Aaron Eckhart?
Melinda
Little Rock

Dear Cruel to Be Kind:
Nice try. Like a good bum-licking was gonna ferret out a Blind Vice answer from moi. Not even close, but thanks just the same!

Dear Ted:
I finally figured it out. Toothy Tile is Ricky Martin. But you won't tell me if I'm right, will you?
Linda Chesney
Yardley, Pennsylvania

Dear Bonbon Brain:
Uh, that would be oui, with a cherry on top. Not R.M.

8/26

Dear Ted:
You are never going to read my emails (all 55 of them), but I have a guess as to the mutual love of D. Spade and H. Locklear, besides the L'Oréal Preference for "blondes." I think it is Botox. Oh, and is Toothy Tile Kiefer Sutherland?
Rita Abney
St. Louis

Dear Mass Mailer:
D.S. 'n' H.L.'s fave pastime definitely redoes somethin', but it ain't their faces, doll. And T2 is far purtier than Mr. S., no offense.

10/10

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has got to be Jeremy Piven. Right?
Jane Sanders
San Antonio

Dear Deluded:
Uh, wrong, sweetums. Think taller, sexier, younger.

Two To-the-Limit Blind Vices

11/5/05

Toothy Tile and Petunia Pickle-Pop really should start dating.

I mean, it would be a fake get-together, but how many real ones are left in this town? Like Jude Law and Sienna Miller are going to last. Like they got back together because they just feel so right for each other, in the end--current flicks to sell be damned!

So, Toothy and Petunia are pushing the upchuck-and-saliva-covered envelope like you would not believe. Or maybe you would?

Ladies first. Movie-stah Toothy--who's been playing with whether or not to come out the closet for so long now, readers think I'm just makin' this sitch up (I'm not)--recently did a chat show for his latest pic, Casablanca Cuckold. You'll never guess what a network worker bee caught him doing in the privacy of his dressing room before taping...

No, not fornicating (you dirty busybodies), just tonguing his b-f, that's all. And this little love licking spread through the studio faster than a pink-slip distribution list at ABC!

Causing far fewer but much more horrified mouths to gasp at an L.A. recording studio was Petunia's smelly wake. After barging into the classy operation with her screeching wheels, P2 headed straight for the bathroom, which had been oh so thoughtfully set up with scented candles and tasteful towels and such.

After 15 minutes of locking herself in the loo, Petunia emerged, leaving the bathroom looking like something out of Martha Stewart's nightmares. And guess what was left smack in the middle of the restroom--with one tiny towel placed in the middle?

It was a reeking, warm pile of human discard. Puke. All over the floor.

Jeez, whose wake is stinkier these days, drugged-out Pet's or duded-out Tooth's?

And it ain't: Will Smith, Wentworth Miller, Chad Murray Michael